Man, this is bad.
First, I split with my ex-girlfriend who I lived with for half a year, since I’m unhappy with the way the relationship’s been going and how I felt like I’m being guilt-tripped to infinity, and I’ve started to lose respect for her and myself. I felt like I had to pay for everything she’s doing for me, since she did say that several times. When we moved in, she said that I had to pay for every penny. When we went to Tagaytay for her birthday, I had to pay her back for every peso she spent. Everything that she finds wrong, which, by the way, aren’t bad enough to get into a fight for, I had to bear the guilt. I can’t talk to her about my problems or about us, since she always has a reply for everything. Even if they don’t make sense. Even if I say it in the kindest, calmest and clearest way possible, I always end up shutting up because of the level of “I can’t believe this shit” I’ve been getting. I had to think four, five, seventy times about everything I say and do, because the littlest thing will set her off, and into another fight we get. Daily. We got to the point that we were hitting each other, since I can’t keep that arrangement up every time, lest I lose my mind completely. I don’t know what rules each person has for treating others, but apparently, a man can never hit a woman, even when she’s literally trying to choke him to death. I now have another red flag under my name for which people will never, and I mean never understand. Any time I explain this shit, I get labeled the bad guy, because reasons. I’m sorry, but I’ve always believed that if people treat you as such, regardless of gender, status, position or relationship, they’re entitled to receive the same treatment. Dish it out if you can take it, I always say. Fair game. I mean, I’ve been told that same line too many times when I’m the one on the receiving end of things.
Then, a few weeks after that, my landlady is kicking me out, for being a disturbance to the peace. She says that my neighbors have been complaining about the fights I had with my ex, since there was a lot of screaming involved from both parties. It happened very often. She also says that since my partner’s gone anyway, I might not be able to afford the place. It didn’t matter that I’ve been the one paying for the damn thing for our entire stay, save for the time when we moved in, but I still had to pay for half of it. Granted, I was earning at least twice as much as she was, but really, with the way things have been set up, I was hoping – wishing – that I get treated with a little more respect than I was getting. Then, she said that I was bringing too many guests into the unit. I had two or three people over, and they usually leave before the sun sets. The ones that don’t are sleeping over, so they hardly make any noise, unless they snore louder than a dragon. Which they don’t. So I told my stupid ass old landlady that since my partner left, rather, was sent away, those things will never happen again. I told her that I’ve been paying for the thing all the while, so I’ve proven that I can afford the place. Then I told her that my guests are few in between, and no, I was never capable of cheating, even when I kid around and talk about it. I know how bad that shit feels. Nobody deserves that.
Next would be my job. I have been incurring absences and tardiness for a wide variety of reasons – flooding, back pain, difficulty getting a ride – but most of the time, you can refer to paragraph one. That sums up why its been difficult for me to focus on my job and give it 100%, since being at home is exhausting enough. There’s a 95% chance that I’ll get fired early next week, and the 5% rests on the miracle that people will stop being absolute dicks and stop referring to documents and individual subjective perspective for proof of how capable a person is. Now, this would not have been a problem, had I had a place to stay. But since I’m getting kicked out by the end of the month, I have nowhere to go. Furthermore, most of my tenure in the companies I’ve been with for the past two years – six of them – have been for less than a year. This job would have been the keeper, but you can’t keep something that doesn’t want to keep you. I’m going to have a hard time finding my next job, maybe even get forced to settle for a job I’m overqualified for.
I’m not blaming her for everything that’s happened, but I hope she realizes the extent of what’s been going on. See, she’s been telling me that I left her during a time when she needed me, and that’s true, since she quit her job a month and a half ago, and she didn’t want to stay in her old dormitory, though she wanted us to keep paying for the place, since her mom didn’t know that she moved in with me and was basically living off of me too. Even if things have gone this bad between me and her, I still love that bitch, and I don’t regret spending all that time, effort, energy and anything else in between for her. I just want to make things better for both of us, since the relationship has been shitty toxic for about 90% of it. She’s an alright person, and she might really have tried in her own way. We just didn’t work out. Lets get that out of the way.
Now the struggle would be where I would stay. I can’t go “home” to Las Pinas, since I’ve ran out my welcome, that much is clear. I can’t go to Lumban, since I won’t be able to respond to a job offer quick enough if I came from there, not to mention that if my salary’s put on hold, I wouldn’t have money to keep the house functioning. I can’t stay in Sta. Mesa, for the same reason as Las Pinas.
I have very few friends these days, since I burned a lot of bridges. Most of my friends are women, and being in a relationship, I can’t exactly keep all of them at a very close proximity. So I had to let several of them go. My family is this close to disowning me, mainly because I haven’t been able to provide for my mom, and I always run to her whenever I screw up. I even said that I’ve learned my lessons last year, the last time I was at rock bottom. Now, while in a familiar place, I don’t know how to proceed. I’m not sure I can reset from scratch a third time.
This isn’t bad because of the things that have already happened; this is bad, because I don’t see myself having the motivation nor the capability of pulling another recovery from shit of this magnitude in less than a year’s time.
I don’t know where I screwed up that’s absolutely on me, but I screwed up all the same. I always thought my story would have a happy ending. I guess I haven’t been paying attention.